2 Oranjerivier Drive, Terenure, Kempton Park, South Africa
Lots of people believe in their zodiac sign insights and character traits – and it’s the same with pets! Taken with a pinch of salt (or two), these pet horoscopes have been created for your furry friends just for fun 😊
Should you desire a dog to pet, pamper, fuss over, and cosset, then it’s best that you avoid an Aquarian like the plague. That’s not to say that these sociable canines are unfriendly; frankly, they’re quite the opposite. The problem is rather that the individualistic Aquarian needs so many friends that it’s impossible for them just to be loyal to you, their owners. Lacking in prejudice (some would say discrimination), the Aquarian will comfortably mix with the snootiest pedigree in the land and the scruffiest pavement special.
Some think that, due to a peculiar genetic confusion, Aquarian pooches have a feline strain in them. Like independent cats, they frequently disappear for days on end, which is quite unnerving for new owners. It’s a bit disconcerting for the neighbours, too, when they arrive home to find a strange dog in their gardens or bathrooms. However, the Aquarian dog is an absolute delight for poodle parlours. Notoriously peculiar and invariably looking like a dog’s dinner, they have to have their coats cut and styled in the very latest (and often outlandishly asymmetrical) trends. They still mourn the passing of the punk era and are only grudgingly content with a brush-cut. Just be warned, though, that if you put ribbons in their hair, they will disappear into a dark funk for days.
Welcome to the world of doggy weirdness! Gentle to the point of melancholic, Pisceans are shy, sensitive, and usually confused. These muddled and befuddled souls can get lost in a one-bedroom flat. Owners shouldn’t be too harsh on their watery Pisceans when they rescue them from the neighbours’ yards for the twentieth time, though. Their kindly natures probably took them out and about because they saw a lame dog (or duck) that needed help. With their good deeds completed, however, finding their way home would be beyond their comprehension.
Pisceans can’t handle competition, so you’re throwing your money down the drain by buying one as a show dog. Furthermore, they’re likely to let you down on another account in shows because their messy appearance prevents them from ever looking well-groomed. Strongly averse to confrontation and ever anxious to avoid trouble, Piscean pooches are the most intuitive of all signs, so when you’re safely tucked up in bed and they start barking, take note! They’re telling you to come and investigate (they’re far too scared to do so themselves, of course).
From the moment your loveable Arian pup is whelped, it has one burning ambition – to be top dog! So, rule number one with an Arian litter is quickly allocating the helpless fluffy bundles of joy to different homes before they start beating each other up. In short, Ariens relish the title “Dogs of War” because they get into so many squabbles. And when there is no other dog to argue with, well, the postman will do very nicely, thank you.
Once you own an assertive Aries pooch, you’ll soon be in great physical shape because the Arian is active – very active! Forget the notion of taking these bold pups for a gentle stroll, because you’ll be dragged from lamppost to lamppost in the direction they want to go. And when they eventually decide to lead you home, it will be you that is dog-tired whilst they’ll be as fresh as daisies, ready to cause havoc in your home as they careen from room to room at break-neck speed.
But as with each sign of the zodiac, there are compensations. Owning a dog born under courageous Aries eliminates the need for costly home alarm systems. Your Arian will be fearless in the defence of your property, confidently leading more timid dogs into any fray against man or beast.
If your best friend spends the whole day sleeping in front of the fire, then the chances are that you own a Taurean dog. Let’s be honest, these dogs aren’t just lazy, they’ve perfected the art of being bone idle. Even chasing the cat is just too much effort for the sedentary Taurean, who believes that life is to be enjoyed. That translates to good food, beautiful objects, and comfortable surroundings.
A prerequisite to owning Taureans is that you have plenty of money so that you can pander to their every need. Tinned doggie food or pet mince? No chance! Fillet steak is okay, though. If they have to wear dog collars, then a little Harrods number studded with diamonds is just the ticket. And please, no tatty cast-off blankets in their baskets; they’re into Granny Goose down duvets with hand-made Egyptian cotton covers.
The phrase, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” was coined just for the Taurean mutt. Taurus is the sign of the bull, so of all the canines, they’re the most steadfast and dependable – to the point of being stubborn. This means that if you want to teach them to fetch your papers and slippers, then you had better do it well before they reach maturity. Once set in their ways, nothing, but nothing will change them. They also expect you to be just as reliable as they are, with walks and meals at exactly the same time every day. This boring routine might drive you up the wall, but at least these predictable pooches won’t stray from the fold – as long as you indulge them with the standard of living they believe they deserve.
Geminis, those unique dogs with two personalities, who absolutely refuse to grow up. Variety is the spice of life for the restless, exuberant, and versatile Gemini, so unless they’re on the end of a lead, it’s doubtful that you will know where they are from one minute to the next. They’re also disgustingly nosey. If they’re not rooting through all your belongings and chewing the odd pair of socks or book, then they’ll be chasing birds in the garden, exploring the neighbourhood, or checking out the local talent.
The Gemini needs constant change because routine doesn’t just bore them, it actually upsets them. As soon as a new brand of dog food comes on the market, try it on your pup, who will love it (for about three to four days). Want to calm their highly strung nerves? Pile them into the car and take them to town. Here they’ll be able to feast their eyes on hundreds of sights that are just too far away for them to reach on their own four paws. The doggy Gemini’s human equivalent is renowned for being gossipy and over-talkative. This trait manifests in the canine as barking – a lot. During the day this can drive you crazy but in the depths of the night, inquisitive Geminis will be the first to hear, investigate, and tell you about any dubious visitors in your area.
At the same time that you acquire a cuddly Cancerian canine, it is imperative that you simultaneously buy a diary that shows the phases of the moon – it will greatly aid your understanding of this moody, hypersensitive, insecure sign. With diary to hand, at least you’ll be able to anticipate their baleful baying at the full moon and their mournful hangdog depressions at the new and quarter moons.
The beauty of owning a Cancerian is that you can take positive steps to bring out the very best in this warm, maternal sign. Give them security in the form of their own kennel, and you’ll have them eating out of the palm of your hand – literally. Now, don’t get us wrong – they’ll undoubtedly enjoy the comforts of your home, but for most of them, being in their own doghouse is like being in seventh heaven. And if you want to get on the right side of them, furnish their kennels with blankets and a few playthings. (They’ll probably be hoarding a few of your possessions anyway, so watch out for disappearing bathmats and vanishing sweaters.)
Do you own a pooch that’s the proverbial “pavement special”, and yet has a regal bearing which outshines the costly cosseted pedigreed Afghan? We’ll bet you 10 to 1 that your ugly Heinz 57 variety is a Leo. You see, the Leo mutt sees himself as the king of all dogs and knows that he is wonderful. Forget the silly notion that your home is your castle – in reality, it’s your conceited Leo’s palace. They’ll make a beeline to your chair the first time you bring them home, claiming said furniture as their thrones and only being removed under duress.
If you want to win a prize at your local dog show, then undoubtedly your best chance lies with a Leo (though nothing short of supreme champion at Crufts will truly gratify their egos). They have a sense of showmanship that can rival Brad Pitt in his heyday, so it’s important to ensure that they look the part before the great event. Watch the swaggers as they hit the parade ring, see their theatrical posing whilst in the coveted limelight, and then prepare to lavish comfort on them when they deflate like pricked balloons after only winning second prize!) There must be some redeeming features about Leo dogs, we hear you saying. Of course, there are – they are absolutely wonderful with children – that is, as long as you give them as much attention as the kids.
Heave a sigh of relief if you end up with a Virgo pup – you’ve just hit the jackpot with the easiest doggies on earth. Virgo hounds are born with an innate sense of place in life – UNDERDOG! Labelled “wimps of the zodiac”, they are reserved and shy, with the more afflicted types suffering from irritating nervous tics. But at least Virgos don’t try to take over your territory, and they know their station in your household – the bottom rung.
The worst thing that you can possibly do to Virgos is not discipline them. They’ll wander around in a listless daze, totally at sea. Show them who’s boss, however, and they’ll love you to bits. Obedience training – no problem! House training – what a cinch! With work as second nature, they make the perfect sheepdogs and are ideal for working trials (though they’ll need a bit of coaxing to handle being in the spotlight).
If you’re a regular reader of the dog stars, you’ll probably know that each zodiac sign has its drawbacks. You will have gathered that in a Virgo dog you haven’t got a fearless leader. And also, that you must prepare yourself for increased vet bills. In reality, they don’t get sick more often than other mutts, they just think they are sick. They’ll actually allow you to wrap them in blankets and whisk them off to the clinic just to hear the vet intone the words, “he (or she) is in perfect health”. Do yourself a favour, and avoid the expense by feeding your Virgo good wholesome food and doggie vitamins.
As a Libran owner, you’d better have plenty of spare time on your hands because you’re sure going to need it. What Libran dogs want most in life is for you to spend hours and hours grooming and beautifying them. Believe us, if these pooches had their way, doggie parlours would be gold mines because Librans would be packing them out every single day of the week. However, to be fair, they do have beautiful conformations and the glossiest of glossy coats. Regrettably, they are also only too aware of their beauty, so always ensure that their water bowls are close to hand and full of good, clean, fresh water. It’s not that they need to drink it – rather it’s so they can lovingly gaze at their own reflections. If you are a kind-hearted owner, then pander to the Libran’s vanity and buy them a personalised mirror for their kennels.
Needless to say, you’ll put up with this Libran vanity because not only are you certain to pick up a few show prizes but also because these pups can charm the birds out of the trees. They wouldn’t dream of sitting in your favourite chair – such behaviour in their eyes is beyond discourteous. Strongly disapproving of fighting, their peaceful natures allow them to live in perfect harmony with cantankerous Persian kitties and stroppy goldfish.
Scorpios come with the formidable reputation of being lunatics. And they live up to this reputation. They’re also hopeless romantics, despite being among the least attractive of the star signs, and in many cases oddly proportioned. This doesn’t deter the Scorpio male from mooning through the fence at the neighbour’s purebred, nor the female Scorpio from setting her sights on the local Romeo.
No one is as loyal a friend or as dangerous an enemy as the Scorpio dog. This is important for prospective owners to consider since these hounds regularly feature on the front pages of the Sunday papers, heroes for having rescued their humans from disaster. That most disasters aren’t life-threatening makes no difference to these brave souls – if someone knocks on the front door or hoots in the street, they will literally die for you there and then.
If you want to see the world – or even just have a heck of a time in the comfort of your own living room – then get yourself a Sagittarian. An animal travel agency’s dream, the Sagittarian dog was born to explore and have fun. Should owners fail to arrange regular trips and outings, then no problem, they’ll just trek off on their own to explore Planet Earth. Sagittarians take terrible risks, crossing busy freeways, trespassing on army property, and picking fights with Pugs. How the Sagittarian gets away with these dare-devil jaunts, we don’t know – perhaps because of their implicit (if misguided belief) that they have guardian doggie angels on their shoulders. The only way to keep the Sagittarian home is to provide entertainment, although having them indoors is a mixed blessing. There may be a certain endearing clumsiness when they trample your toes or knock over the teacups, but how are you going to feel when their out-of-control tails dust your Ming vases onto the floor?
As the Sagittarian gets older, their journeys become shorter in length and frequency, and they appear to be more careful around the house. In reality, they never stop yearning for adventure. It’s just that their excessive food indulgence has expanded their girths to the point that strenuous movement becomes too much effort. Another quirky characteristic of the Sagittarian mutt is encapsulated in the popular Accapella song: “Don’t worry, be happy”. Some even hum it while snoozing in front of the fire. You’ll get used to it. Maybe.
Capricorn dogs are a strange breed. As pups, they appear wizened and old, yet as age gradually creeps up on them, they steadily become friskier and more youthful. However, irrespective of age, it’s not difficult to spot a Capricorn – just look out for downcast, sad eyes, and a hangdog expression. Even in their happiest moods, there’s a faint aura of melancholy and seriousness surrounding these mutts. Don’t fall for it, though -they are con artists who are born with the ability to wrap their humans around their paws.
Racked themselves by feelings of inferiority, the Capricorn will intuitively sniff out the social standing of all your visitors, dutifully paying attention to the TV celebrity and insidiously ignoring the rest. Should a show judge visit your home, you’ll probably marvel as your introverted Capricorn transforms into a playful yet dignified character. That’s because this canny creature is instinctively aware that high-ranking humans may be able to help them in the future.
Why on earth would anyone want to own a deeply emotional, conservative Capricorn, you may well ask? Well, for a start, they are disciplined and hardworking. So, if you dream of winning lots and lots of prizes in obedience or working trials, then Capricorn is the dog for you. In fact, winning a prize is one of the few things that will make a Capricorn hound positively beam. For a nanosecond.
2 Oranjerivier Drive, Terenure, Kempton Park, South Africa